I was feeling shitty and exhausted with the planning of an upcoming trip. It was a 12 hour date with half filled with research of websites and excel sheet…
On the way home, bad memories of the past Augusts flooded and pensive dread and worries filled my heart… I remembered with heart sinking with negatives pulling it down like gravity.
The content of the call, the usual rounds of bastard actions and the spending that is killing. Unfortunately this is the the kind of usual that kills and pain us over and over again, making each time more painful than before. I reconfirm my brother’s conversation with my mother again and there is no surprise.
I couldn’t sleep at all..
tears came and go
memories, screaming, painful words, bastards actions fogged my mind again.
I keep tossing and turning over and over and over again.
I keep screaming to my mind to stop, my heart to stop. Everything to stop, everything.
I turn to my left again.. and i put my hands together to pray, hoping that saying it out to god will ease away the worries, the pain.. As I speak, my anger, my disgust, my raw pain surfaced and I prayed for terrible things. any terrible things as long as this will end.
then i remembered, god has his ways, his plans for me.. but why cant i feel nor see it.. why? Or are we in his way? are we blinded by denial even if god is trying to help? I pray again. with more faith in god than hate for him.
“amen” i said but my heart didnt feel any better.
“did he hear me?” i wondered
I tossed and turned again and wondered again..
Took my bible and hold it.. and tell god.. pls tell me what i need and want to know..
and I read this – Isaiah 55:8- 13
and i was blown.
He answered my guilt of the terrible things
He answered my wonder if he had heard my prayers
He renew my faith by confirming his ways are indeed higher than my way
He is showing me how he will not fail on me and how we will be freed eventually.
freed with peace.
There more.. I know.. So i go on and search for deeper meanings behind this.
Please… please do it.. activate your plans now.. show me.