my weekend


On Friday morning, i was really excited because i have a drink date at night with the gals follow by a Saturday Xiao long one month celebration and ending with Sunday of being a bridesmaid for my Primary school longest ever friend wedding. So so much to anticipate.

On Friday late afternoon, I have gotten text messages from cousins about how Nai Nai (how we call our granny) heartbeat is getting weaker.

My granny was a woman to 8 kids, a fighter, a gambler, a smoker, a woman who wear the pants in the house, put food on the table, well traveled, extremely stubborn and now in her eighties. she is truly “like a boss”.

I cant say we have shared many or much memorable time together as i only felt closer to her from these past recent year and those were the years where life is draining away from her along with the in and out visits from the hospital.

I would love to say my family is closely knitted but unfortunately we arnt really so. History and issues that are so deeply rooted and it got in the way of kinship.

On friday evening, not knowing how serious it was, we make our way to my uncle’s place. My granny is definitely at her last leap of life and she had amazingly made it beyond what most would have expected.. She is a strong fighter despite her willingness to move on.

… However we didnt made it there, being minutes away from her last breath. When we reached, her body was still warm even as we lingered around while waiting for the doctor to come. I remembered standing at the door, frozen. She was different already, she wasnt my granny, my granny had left. But i was unsure, despite the obvious fact.

I dare not ask as i hold on desperately to the hope. as long as there is no answer, there is hope. It didnt lasted very long before we realize in shock she really…. had passed away.

The feeling is complicated. You lost her but she won in getting her freedom and what she had wanted for a long time.

At her last leap, she was really depressed, angry, sad and very very uncomfortable. Her organs are failing or had failed her one by one and it was a really sad process with all the in and out of hospital, her attempt to just die by rejecting medical help because it was all to painful to live.

Today is day 3 since her last breath, the weekend is gone and i woke up this morning with this song in my head and this lyrics on a loop – “我终于失去了你, 在拥挤的人群中”.


我終於失去了你
作詞:沈光遠/李宗盛 作曲:趙傳/李宗盛 編曲:涂惠源

当所有的人离开我的时候
你劝我要耐心等候
并且陪我度过生命中最长的寒冬
如此的宽容

当所有的人靠紧我的时候
你要我安静从容
似乎知道我有一颗永不安静的心
(我)容易蠢动

我终于让千百只手在我面前挥舞
我终于拥有了千百个热情的笑容
我终于让人群被我深深的打动

我却忘了告诉你 你一直在我心中
啊…

我终于失去了你
在拥挤的人群中

我终于失去了你
当我的人生第一次感到光荣
啊…

我终于失去了你
在拥挤的人群中

我终于失去了你
当我的人生第一次感到光荣
当四周掌声如潮水一般的汹涌
我见到你眼中有伤心的泪光闪动

and i end up sobbing at a corner later at night as the heartache grew and missing grew too strong to take it.

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