Child of God


“His Glory Appears”

You gave me hope
You made me whole
At the cross
You took my place
You showed me grace
At the cross where You died for me

And His glory appears
Like the light from the sun
Age to age He shines
Look to the skies
Hear the angels cry
Singing Holy is the Lord

How long has it been? How long since I became a child of god?

I cant really remember… I think it’s because all along I am his child of god so it’s hard to really point a date

My first experience.. the memory is very vague, I should be in upper primary school, perhaps around 3? Attended a huge celebration, there were presents for everyone, there was a sermon about not judging the apple by it’s look because the inside is the one that matters, we were told to hold hands and all squirmed because girls holding boy’s hands was gross.. After that, a very kind jie jie will even cab down to fetch me to church. Once she even offered me a da bao to eat while we make our way down and I had a really cute home made bookmark from her.

No. Wait a minute.. it was before that… My first encounter should be as a toddler at Ang Mo Kio Methodist church kindergarten where i used to attend, where our first home is. I took some time and googled the name of the school but to my disappointment cant find any image of the old building to match my memory. It was pale blue, very simple designed and peaceful school – right at the corner of a 4 way traffic junction. I have memories flashing through of a certain birthday, an orange toy car, crossing the road and had a near shave of accident, my aunt picking me during graduation. That’s all. But I’m sure we sang worship songs, prayed before eating too.

What’s next? I remembered my Nicole ah yi talking to be about god, giving me a CD i treasured so much and at thw quiet kumpong of my wai po, i played the worships songs over and over that till this day, it brings me a great sense of security and peace whenever i listen to it again.

And then teenage life took over, there is no recollection being in god’s presence except lots of doubts and questions if jesus is real or just a fiction people are desperate for..

In Poly, one girl, out of no where, while I was tucking in to my usual chicken chop rice came and talk to me. She encouraged me and tried to tell me about god. I listened and told her the questions swimming in my head.

What about dinosaurs? If god created adam and eve, then how did the rest of people come about? Who wrote how it started? Then why cant you see him?

There was no answers and I was left with a brochure which strangely i left till now.

When was it then? 2010? I, out of the blue, decide to msn my cousin and ask if i could go for that very pretty candle light “thingy” in her church for it says nothing but serenity and I wanted a picture of it. So was i itching to know what is it like to be in church.

It was lukewarm initially but with the desire to reconnect back to a cousin I was once so closed with and with some sleep overs in place, i started attending.. There were a lot of discomfort, i couldnt get used to the way they pray, speak in tongues and especially on the infamous multiple fold preaching during offering. I used to mocked them as a sales/MLM co.

I got responded to alter calling under pressured and as much, still never really open my heart. It was more of a get over and done with so they can stop trying so hard. Till this date, it still makes me sad that my salvation journey started so unwillingly but at the same time, if not for that, I dont know if my walk would have been as such.

In early 2011, after a whirlpool of events and painful memories, I rejoined back and got myself into a cell group which was lead by cousin who is so worried about her member size. With that, my walk truly begins, instead of god placing me around, I was walking towards god this time.
For 4 years, I’s been quite a slow walk, I was honestly just attending services, hearing the word which I wanted to not because I wanted to know god but because it made sense and was good advise. I apply and listen whenever it’s helpful. I knew god was working on something because it’s freaking how every single time i am well prep of each powerful service by Vic’s innocent sharing during the sleep over before it.

I didnt think much back then but now as i am typing, i now see how halfheartedly I was. I wasnt interested in god, I was only interested in the words that was wise. I was in a church i mock at, I refused to go cell group. Why? Because i didn’t believe in it still.

In 2013, I started to get rooted in the cell group and it was one amazing family that not only grow in numbers but also in strength of god..The people changed me, they prayed for me, answer some questions of mine, starts to ignite the desire to know more of the god I been dragging my feet around and halfheartedly following.

in 2014, i started to quicken my pace as the desire grow, however disappointment hits too as I felt that I dont understand nor can i feel this god everyone says “speaks to them”. By end of 2014, i struggled and felt like a log drifting in the ocean, not sure if i will ever reach that golden palm seaside everyone seems to be. I was became more sensitive about this walk with god and was desperate pleading for him to let me experience his presence.

It’s 2015 now, 6 months since. I tasted and know what it meant. His presence is so divine and as his child, I am been shattered and pieced over and over again. But I have never since failed to draw strength from him. My prayer, his words on the bible revealed so much love for me. I can feel myself changing and it wasnt easy. It isnt easy humbling myself, it was easy not to fight back when attached, it was easy obeying him but it was sweet.

My first testimony was how I felt mentally and verbally abused by my own brother again and this time i broke down behind the doors, trembling with anger yet instead of reacting back in pain, i prayed. His words stopped what could had been another night of yelling and possible violence. I obeyed but i was bleeding inside, hurting so much that I felt i was so badly beaten by anger, disappointment and fear that i could no longer think straight. And he sent angels with words of comfort and truth to heal me, to remove the anger and pain.

I keep turning to him as I now know he can indeed hear my cries. But i cried still, why again oh lord? why from my dad to my brother. why is this still happening? How much more? Dont you know i am all battered and broken? Didnt you spoke through your angels that you are healing me, that you know of my pain and my broken wings but chipped legs, unable to fly but that I am resting in your palms and you are healing me? Then why dropped me?

I got over it and choose to believe in god once again. For his ways are higher then mine, then in his words, he said that he will serve justice for every injust in my way. I felt comforted knowing even without seeing that happening yet.

It’s July, we are mid way through and carrying yokes of others, feeling burden. During worship, it was a song i sang before, but there a probing which i didnt understand and why? I wasnt thinking about it – suicide.

I was taken aback and wondering what is this about. I have not shared this to anymore but it was like a little turtle swimming in my head. I felt that life is too much or a burden and no I wouldn’t go and end my life as suicide but I would like to end it if there is a chance like illness, accident etc.

I was so sure and clear of this decision. For example if i were to have cancer, I will let it be and not seek any treatment. The faster the better, I only hope it be quick with less burden and pain. And I start to feel myself breaking down with the answers put in my heart, one by one and so did the tears came.

Why do you not trust me? Didnt i say i will heal you? Didnt I tell you to lean on me? Dont you want to be my vessels anymore?

I felt like someone was trying to break through the gates that was tighten with thorns and it broke open, freed me as i sobbed. The pain came, the reminders came, the love came, he came.

I was still puzzled, where and why this came about? And the sermon revealed everything. The pastor start and ended with all answers. He, once again prep me for everything.

I was once again reminded, that this too are all my prayers answered. I asked for him to let me feel his presence, i asked for transformation. He answered and i am so well loved. I love my god truly now.

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