epi lasik epic mum

Finally did my epi lasik and today is day 5. The experience is for another day, another blog. Today i finally went out as my eyes no longer stings and is the vision is starting to clear up.

mum: where are you now?!

me: at xxxxx, just bought the box of 洗衣粉

mum: aiyo why you go buy alone!!! your eyes just got cut u still like that! ( i had a epi-lasik done)

me: its fine mum.. doc say its ok to go out now lah

mum: so heavy that box (5,5kg) you carry later you strain your eyes how?!?

me: mum.. how is carrying that going to strain my eyes? i use my hand to carry leh

mum: you <£|+%€不听话{¥¥\*]>\€\£你就知道! *hangs up*


Beyond Kindness

Today i was shown that it really takes so much more than just kindness when helping someone who is so incorrigible, rude and full of herself.

Over the years I’ve witnessed generosity and wisdom over the years from my uncles and recently even humility which is totally unexpected from one of my uncles that had really touched us which also trigger this whole “project” to action.


Last night my elder cousins really had me at awed (despite my fuming anger at an ingrate) as they displayed an immense amount of grace, empathy and patience towards someone who doesn’t deserve it at all but probably need it more than the rest when dealt with.

That when i realize my kindness is limited in terms of my review of the receiver’s attitude as i let judgment and anger get it the way of the intention. I have underestimate myself, thinking i be able to deal with a difficult person but even so, I am glad i did else i would have missed out another lesson i need to put myself through.


To be honest, none of us know if this will turn out worth it or not but we just gotta give her and ourselves that one last try so that we can all move on with no “if only”. The things we have heard last week, an arrogant spoilt daughter who see wrong in everyone else except the one she faced in the mirror, unappreciative, bitter, very clever, twisted words vs a mother whose biggest mistake is spoiling her daughter too much, was so quick to reflect herself and take the blame, letting guilt gnaw and so willing to be the one taking a step back and I wonder how can so much love turn someone to a monster.. When will this pair of mother daughter ever reconcile, we dont know…


During this process of helping, I looks like i will need to rely and pray to god for his strength and wisdom on dealing with difficult people to attain the below..

Proverbs 12:16 tells us that “a fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.”

I have a long way to go from fool to prudent (not even sure if i will ever be able to master that) but I am so thankful that i have these amazing roles models in my life to look up and be inspired by them.


Teo clan

I love history – more if it’s roots of my family, having it closer to blood. During my granny’s funeral, i heard so many stories of her and was so fascinated and thirsty for more.. Thanks (or maybe not, i have yet to decide) to facebook, i start to connect with my uncles and aunties through this powerful platforms.

Teo rootsjpg

Recently one of my uncles shared this and i was hooked..

History of Teo Clan
I like to share what I know about our ancestry history. If you have any please add or correct me.

It will be good if you all cousins can organize a trip together to visit our ancestor place which is in Kinmen, Taiwan. Maybe with Christine who is now in in Tainan until January.Tun Lin should have more closer contact with them I think. I did not know where is Kinmen until I google. Its in fact nearer to China than Taiwan. The last time we met our relative from Kinmen is during Grandmum funeral.

His name is Kong Hai. I think he used to be a police chief and later joined politics and became an MP. You all can get more information from Dua Pek, James my eldest brother.

I think our forefathers come to Singapore in the early 1900’s. My mother was born in Singapore around 1930s. So you can see that they have a very difficult life living under British rule in Singapore, World War 2, opium trading, gangsterism, no rule of law, no job opportunities and starvation.

I think my father eldest brother died of starvation. My father and his 3rd brother have to give up their studies to work so that their 2nd brother can continue his studies. Many of our relatives also died in World War 2.

I learn something from my mum about her past. His father, my grandfather was a very tough man. They call him the Tiger of Shandong. He used to be the foreman in the Singapore river dock transferring cargo from the ship to the tug boat later to the warehouse in Singapore river.

Later he became a opium drug dealer. My mum told me that he used to hold a gun in his hand and hold my mother to sleep. Sometimes my mum would walk in the street controls by rival gangs and she would be beaten up. Sound like Shanghai gangster show. It must be the same. That how she is so tough herself.

My grandfather loves his grandchildren very much that he will buy a big basket of durian for all of us. That is why we re all crazy about durian! Later he decided to quit drug smuggling and do a last big deal. However he was sabotage and lost everything.

Suddenly he became a depress man who lost his soul and everything. Mum told me he always appreciate his husband who later take my grandfather into his care. He passed away soon and I cannot remember his face except for the picture I found in my mother’s house.

My mum’s mother is also a beautiful woman like my mother. She is a devoted Buddhist and always seem to be in isolation maybe because trying to atone the sin of my grandfather.

When I was young, my father used to bring me to Telok Ayer Street, and we have the famous lor Mee there and sometimes visit the Hokkien clan Association. I think you can learn more stories from Tua Pek and other uncles and auntie.

Actually I was the most fortunate kid in the family as my father will bring me to go all his friends gathering and I will eat abalone and all the good stuff until I am scare of them.

Please feel free to add your stories and comment to this post. Thanks and have a good day


That punch

I believe that punch delivered to my right cheek yesterday will no sooner or later be delivered to your gut and while i fall on the floor, you will fall to hell.

As much as i like to deliver that punch back to your sicking face right to your menacing eyes, i will leave it to the will of god to do what is right at the his time and i shall raise above your lowly status.


Farewell Granny

My cousin (1st child of my 1st uncle) was elected to give a farewell speech on the last day before we send granny off.

Afraid that she would burst into tears standing alone, we asked for my god brother and me team up with her. we worked the last 3 nights together and put together the speech and also crafted our own speech to add on.

We spend those night “interviewing” each parents of the 8 families in the family tree to give either their deepest impression or any last words they wish to tell her.

It fulfills my long time desire to hear any stories of the Teo family. It was like a story-telling session as more and more chairs get together the table. Those stories was paired with tears, laughter and with love.

The main speech….

各位长辈和奶奶生前的亲朋好友们, 我谨代表我的全体家人感谢你们掏出宝贵的时间到这里参加我们奶奶,丁爱治,的丧礼。特别感谢从远方到来的亲戚,你们真有心。


那就从我老爸 ah lam 开始吧!奶奶,老爸记得你时常对他说“手会生肉”。您的教诲使他学会了自力更生,不求于人的人生态度,也促使他今天的成就。我从老爸身上也发现了他拥有了你刻苦耐劳的精神,每天都从早工作到晚。

二婶婶,秀微记得你以前常常会打电话到她家,和她聊聊家里的境况,常常会和她说 “Ji Ki Cao, Ji Diam Lor” (一根草,一滴露)她们一家希望您一路好走,在极乐世界,过的开心。

三叔叔,ah hong,说他知道您一直以来都宁愿自己承担所有的痛苦,也不愿让我们担心您,怕会造成我们的负担,尤其在近几年里,你时常进出医院的这段日子。。他也希望您会一路好走

四叔叔 (ah chuan)一家希望您会在另一边过得开开心

五叔叔 (ah soon) 永远忘不了当年他在当兵时进医院的时候,当他一个人孤零零在感叹时,只有您去看他,还带了让他至今难忘的那包饭里的那只sibei大只的虾。他说世界上还是只有 mother你是最棒,不只刻苦耐劳也非常了不起。他记得您以前为了这个家,每天风雨不改,起早摸黑的拼命工作,一天只能睡上三小时而已。也因此造就了他们从小就独立的性格。

六叔叔(ah seng)很感谢您不辞劳苦的一手把他们八个兄弟姐妹带大,也很希望如果有来生,他很想能再当您的儿子。小婶婶(ah yan)也想在此感谢您能见证到vicky的婚礼。并且一直等他们从台湾回来。

小姑姑(Ah sim)想要谢谢您教她怎么做个更称职的妻子与母亲,也因为您,让她能够拥有个完整与幸福的家庭。你也时常会提醒她,不管是对人或事,都要往好的一面想。在她眼里,您总是个很相信身边的人,也对大家都很慷慨。

Last but not least, we will also like to take this chance to thank Anna, who has been taking such good care of our granny these past few years, treating 99 as her own mother. We believed 99 have trained you well t be the world’s no. 1 masseuse as well. Thank you very much for the care, love and patience you have showered on our 99



奶奶在这一生中扮演了很多重要的角色,她是家中的长女,是我无父无母爷爷的太太。是八位叔叔姑姑们的 mother, 是22位子孙的奶奶,还是位很强的商人。 她也许不是每个人心中的 number 1。但她在她的人生里,她给了她能力范围内超越一般人可以给的。

不管你是她的睢,我想你们一定和我们一样,会怀念那一位了不起的女人. 谢谢.

My speech (that was said before we thank Anna the great helper!) was put together with my closest cousin whom couldnt make it back as she was on her honeymoon trip)

我是惠琳,在此我也要帮我堂姐, vicky, 和奶奶告别。奶奶,vicky要我和您说一声她很抱歉没能来送您,也谢谢您为了她坚强了那么久,让她可以顺利完成婚礼。


vicky说也因此她应为以同学的零用钱多,常常是大家羡慕的对象。我们也记得每个星期天的大与大肉,vicky 说她唯一遗憾是没能亲自和您学习您的手艺。

我呢,只要吃到kan dan 的 ham 炒 tomato, 就会说 ”啊,这是奶奶的味道“。

只要看到 3C, Cigarette, casino, coke 就会想到您,只要闻到上标油,也会想到您。 哇,在我心中,您是这些东西的代言人!

vicky 说想对您说不管别人说什么,对她而言,您是最棒的奶奶,谢谢您那么坚强。vicky和我会永远想念您,把您放在我们的心中。谢谢您让我从您人身上看到了“坚强”两个字,对我而言, 这两个字是我一直努力的方向,您就是我往后人生中的榜样。 再见了奶奶


my weekend

On Friday morning, i was really excited because i have a drink date at night with the gals follow by a Saturday Xiao long one month celebration and ending with Sunday of being a bridesmaid for my Primary school longest ever friend wedding. So so much to anticipate.

On Friday late afternoon, I have gotten text messages from cousins about how Nai Nai (how we call our granny) heartbeat is getting weaker.

My granny was a woman to 8 kids, a fighter, a gambler, a smoker, a woman who wear the pants in the house, put food on the table, well traveled, extremely stubborn and now in her eighties. she is truly “like a boss”.

I cant say we have shared many or much memorable time together as i only felt closer to her from these past recent year and those were the years where life is draining away from her along with the in and out visits from the hospital.

I would love to say my family is closely knitted but unfortunately we arnt really so. History and issues that are so deeply rooted and it got in the way of kinship.

On friday evening, not knowing how serious it was, we make our way to my uncle’s place. My granny is definitely at her last leap of life and she had amazingly made it beyond what most would have expected.. She is a strong fighter despite her willingness to move on.

… However we didnt made it there, being minutes away from her last breath. When we reached, her body was still warm even as we lingered around while waiting for the doctor to come. I remembered standing at the door, frozen. She was different already, she wasnt my granny, my granny had left. But i was unsure, despite the obvious fact.

I dare not ask as i hold on desperately to the hope. as long as there is no answer, there is hope. It didnt lasted very long before we realize in shock she really…. had passed away.

The feeling is complicated. You lost her but she won in getting her freedom and what she had wanted for a long time.

At her last leap, she was really depressed, angry, sad and very very uncomfortable. Her organs are failing or had failed her one by one and it was a really sad process with all the in and out of hospital, her attempt to just die by rejecting medical help because it was all to painful to live.

Today is day 3 since her last breath, the weekend is gone and i woke up this morning with this song in my head and this lyrics on a loop – “我终于失去了你, 在拥挤的人群中”.

作詞:沈光遠/李宗盛 作曲:趙傳/李宗盛 編曲:涂惠源




我却忘了告诉你 你一直在我心中





and i end up sobbing at a corner later at night as the heartache grew and missing grew too strong to take it.


Victorian era I wish

I have to admit, twilight was a really shitty book to read or i would even say ridiculous movie to watch but there are reasons why girls are attracted to it or me that are able to be blinded by it.

No, those girls were not attracted to a blood sucker man that sparkles in the day but instead by this almost perfect gentleman from the Victorian era (read below).

Though I had wished on an umpteen times that twilight was written by a much better author.

Edward explains to Bella his views about sex, marriage, romance, and courtship. Edward tells Bella:

“I come from a different era. Things were a lot less complicated. And if I would have met you back then, I would have courted you. We’d have taken chaperoned strolls, and iced tea on the porch. I may have stolen a kiss or two. Only after asking your fathers permission, I would have gotten down on one knee, and I would have presented you with a ring.”


Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

Every girl wants a fairy tale even though many don’t believe in it, every girl wants to be treated like a proper lady, to fall in love with a prince whom are gentleman.

However how many are being a lady in the first place? Maybe i am too traditional for my era, i cant help but to cringe and minus points for girls who sleep over at their guys place when they are dating.

It’s not about sleeping together or not, for they might be just spending a night and not sleeping together but the image of such behavior reeks the value of cheapness and too much of it equals to being too 随便…. well never mind.

it had been an issue and i foresee will continue to be as i see this behavior deteriorating in this household recently. I just wish that even if one don’t think they are at wrong or think that it’s perfectly fine perhaps because they think they have good self control  – to simply to remember that it is actually not okay or right once you decide to not respect others, your parents, your mother about it and worse, to lie about it and do it behind one’s back.

you might not mind or find it a big deal but that doesn’t mean it isn’t. Self respect or you find none giving you any respect.



My sister posted this today….

“…to forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover the prisoner was you.”

but… I cant because i been through long enough to know it comes with the taste of betrayal that lingers and kills me over and over again. For now I rather be the prisoner then to set free to get scars over and over again


Aunt Nicole and God

I posted the below message on my aunt nicole’s facebook. Aunt nicole is one of those very very devoted christian i know, taking every and any chance she can to preach and talk about beloved Jesus. If you had met her and not known she is an Christian, the meeting must have been less than 5 secs. She is also one of the most patient, beautiful but stubborn aunt among the seven.

She was the first whom introduced me to god and Jesus also being the most awesome aunt to be the first and only to buy me a gift that i truly desire – A Sony discman in the 90’s.

The first time she heard my wish, she express desire to buy a that discman, only to face the biggest obstacle = my mum. She was then told to purchase a pair of good shoe for me instead (for mother hen said “buy what discman for kids lah”). My disappointment and resentment was unforgettable even till now but what can a 10 year old do?

However (thank god!), my dearest aunt must have somehow understood how much i really wanted that discman (which is truly the coolest must have gadget anyone should have when it was launch) and eventually got me one. Although it been more than 10 years since and the discman had long been dis-functional, i still keep it for it was the most awesome gift i have ever received.

Along with that most awesome gift ever, was 2 CDs (church songs, so yea you get the drift) and one of them had recently been dug out by me on those nights that i was ill at ease, frantically hoping to grab something that will smooth my heart..

And it did, I was amaze at how quick the lyrics and songs came back to me.. almost immediately, i sang along, calling out to god. It was extra comforting because 15 years back, I was a happy and truly carefree kid. My worries were how to finish holiday homework and only pain was not as loved like my little brother by my mum.

a few months back, i went digging for any CD that can draw me closer to god as i desperately was uneasy at heart. I found this CD, given to me when i was in primary school by you along with my dream present (the sony walkman which i still keep although it is no longer working). I would never forget those moments i spend hours playing this CD from SG to Kumpong and back to SG and surprising even though i have not hear this for over 10 years, i know most lyrics by heart and it is was the most comforting music till date. Thank you..

Track list:
01. Something Beautiful (Instrumental)
02. Come as You Are
03. Come and See
04. Interlude
05. He Is Our Father
06. Beauty for Ashes
07. White as Snow
08. Something Beautiful
09. Let Your Glory Fill This Place
10. Interlude
11. Come Holy Spirit
12. Draw Me into Your Presence
13. He Reigns
14. The Power of Your Love
15. Great Is the Lord
16. These Things Are True of You
17. Hear My Prayer
18. Interlude
19. The Family Prayer Song (As for Me and My House)
20. The Power of Love (Reprise)

it’s difficult to find the lyrics online but managed to find one here..

Song: Come Just As You Are Lyrics
Artist: Maranatha Singers

Come just as you are

Hear the spirit call

Come just as you are

Come and see,Come receive,come and live forever

Come just as you are

Hear the spirit call

Come just as you are

Come and see,Christ the King, come and live forever Life everlasting,and Strength for today

Taste the living water,And never thirst again

Come just as you are, hear the spirit call

Come just as you are and come see Christ the king, come and live forever

Life everlasting, and Strength for today

Taste the living water And never thirst again

Life everlasting,and Strength for today

Taste the living water And never thirst again

Come just as you are, hear the spirit call

These songs brought me peace and serenity drawn from those memories. I dont know if i can say i truly am 100% committed and believe in Jesus. I dont get how to feel and understand someone whom i never met, no one i know had really met be able to love me selflessly, i dont understand why people said he died for me on a cross. It was political of a past life i have never been.

But i know there is god. God that is mighty and had been working and plan a life of each of us. There is indeed someone up there whom must love me as his creation. If the people of god say Jesus is his son and god had said, he must be then. The teaching, the words pass down were belief i had thrown myself in, even before I know god. That why i am a Christian now.

I have not gone past the doubts, but my belief and faith had been strengthen to beyond my need of understanding some facts.

To my dearest god, whom i prayed so hard during the dark times, whom is the only hope i can grab and cling on, whom pass down so many wonderful times. Thank you..