doors shut and some not

You’re altogether lovely

Altogether worthy

Altogether wonderful to me – Here i am to worship

Thank you. For stopping the temptations of heart matters. For your presence on paths and words paved when i am feeling fear and uneasy. For the peace tonight and showing me how i should and can trust and lean on you. To doors i wanted to shut for the wrong reasons but didnt because of you and to doors shuts because you know it what i need. 

for the paths crossed and some perhaps not to be. 

I love you lord.


Yasutoki Kariya’s Newton’s Cradle

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr

Yasutoki Kariya’s Newton’s Cradle.

What a depressing  day scrolling the social media news feed this week. The 4 year old girl getting senselessly hacked to death. The targeted at Christian bombing at a Pakistan park. The Egypt flight which thank god had no innocent blood spilled.

Tragic, loss of too short a life and hostage of innocent ones, senseless killing, rowdy protesting, hijacking, misleading headlines, hearts pouring. Sadness drove the rest up the wall, created fear which in turn got fist of anger up to create fear in their righteous and here we go the vicious cycle.

An act unforgivable but they cant be called cruel if they are unsound no? Suddenly everyone wants to solve and make the world sane but none with love or the intending to brighten the world with that unforgiving heart. I think that’s the saddest case of all.

The 4 year old’s nickname was 小燈泡 and her mother shared that just days before, she took her tea and sat by the window saying how wonderful the world is and how she can sit there all day admiring it. What a kiddo! I like to think her nickname is already a message to us. How we need light on earth, how we need to glow in kindness and mercy of each other to pass the light on.

May each light diminished on earth is one that will lit in heaven shining on us.



Farewell Granny

My cousin (1st child of my 1st uncle) was elected to give a farewell speech on the last day before we send granny off.

Afraid that she would burst into tears standing alone, we asked for my god brother and me team up with her. we worked the last 3 nights together and put together the speech and also crafted our own speech to add on.

We spend those night “interviewing” each parents of the 8 families in the family tree to give either their deepest impression or any last words they wish to tell her.

It fulfills my long time desire to hear any stories of the Teo family. It was like a story-telling session as more and more chairs get together the table. Those stories was paired with tears, laughter and with love.

The main speech….

各位长辈和奶奶生前的亲朋好友们, 我谨代表我的全体家人感谢你们掏出宝贵的时间到这里参加我们奶奶,丁爱治,的丧礼。特别感谢从远方到来的亲戚,你们真有心。


那就从我老爸 ah lam 开始吧!奶奶,老爸记得你时常对他说“手会生肉”。您的教诲使他学会了自力更生,不求于人的人生态度,也促使他今天的成就。我从老爸身上也发现了他拥有了你刻苦耐劳的精神,每天都从早工作到晚。

二婶婶,秀微记得你以前常常会打电话到她家,和她聊聊家里的境况,常常会和她说 “Ji Ki Cao, Ji Diam Lor” (一根草,一滴露)她们一家希望您一路好走,在极乐世界,过的开心。

三叔叔,ah hong,说他知道您一直以来都宁愿自己承担所有的痛苦,也不愿让我们担心您,怕会造成我们的负担,尤其在近几年里,你时常进出医院的这段日子。。他也希望您会一路好走

四叔叔 (ah chuan)一家希望您会在另一边过得开开心

五叔叔 (ah soon) 永远忘不了当年他在当兵时进医院的时候,当他一个人孤零零在感叹时,只有您去看他,还带了让他至今难忘的那包饭里的那只sibei大只的虾。他说世界上还是只有 mother你是最棒,不只刻苦耐劳也非常了不起。他记得您以前为了这个家,每天风雨不改,起早摸黑的拼命工作,一天只能睡上三小时而已。也因此造就了他们从小就独立的性格。

六叔叔(ah seng)很感谢您不辞劳苦的一手把他们八个兄弟姐妹带大,也很希望如果有来生,他很想能再当您的儿子。小婶婶(ah yan)也想在此感谢您能见证到vicky的婚礼。并且一直等他们从台湾回来。

小姑姑(Ah sim)想要谢谢您教她怎么做个更称职的妻子与母亲,也因为您,让她能够拥有个完整与幸福的家庭。你也时常会提醒她,不管是对人或事,都要往好的一面想。在她眼里,您总是个很相信身边的人,也对大家都很慷慨。

Last but not least, we will also like to take this chance to thank Anna, who has been taking such good care of our granny these past few years, treating 99 as her own mother. We believed 99 have trained you well t be the world’s no. 1 masseuse as well. Thank you very much for the care, love and patience you have showered on our 99



奶奶在这一生中扮演了很多重要的角色,她是家中的长女,是我无父无母爷爷的太太。是八位叔叔姑姑们的 mother, 是22位子孙的奶奶,还是位很强的商人。 她也许不是每个人心中的 number 1。但她在她的人生里,她给了她能力范围内超越一般人可以给的。

不管你是她的睢,我想你们一定和我们一样,会怀念那一位了不起的女人. 谢谢.

My speech (that was said before we thank Anna the great helper!) was put together with my closest cousin whom couldnt make it back as she was on her honeymoon trip)

我是惠琳,在此我也要帮我堂姐, vicky, 和奶奶告别。奶奶,vicky要我和您说一声她很抱歉没能来送您,也谢谢您为了她坚强了那么久,让她可以顺利完成婚礼。


vicky说也因此她应为以同学的零用钱多,常常是大家羡慕的对象。我们也记得每个星期天的大与大肉,vicky 说她唯一遗憾是没能亲自和您学习您的手艺。

我呢,只要吃到kan dan 的 ham 炒 tomato, 就会说 ”啊,这是奶奶的味道“。

只要看到 3C, Cigarette, casino, coke 就会想到您,只要闻到上标油,也会想到您。 哇,在我心中,您是这些东西的代言人!

vicky 说想对您说不管别人说什么,对她而言,您是最棒的奶奶,谢谢您那么坚强。vicky和我会永远想念您,把您放在我们的心中。谢谢您让我从您人身上看到了“坚强”两个字,对我而言, 这两个字是我一直努力的方向,您就是我往后人生中的榜样。 再见了奶奶


my weekend

On Friday morning, i was really excited because i have a drink date at night with the gals follow by a Saturday Xiao long one month celebration and ending with Sunday of being a bridesmaid for my Primary school longest ever friend wedding. So so much to anticipate.

On Friday late afternoon, I have gotten text messages from cousins about how Nai Nai (how we call our granny) heartbeat is getting weaker.

My granny was a woman to 8 kids, a fighter, a gambler, a smoker, a woman who wear the pants in the house, put food on the table, well traveled, extremely stubborn and now in her eighties. she is truly “like a boss”.

I cant say we have shared many or much memorable time together as i only felt closer to her from these past recent year and those were the years where life is draining away from her along with the in and out visits from the hospital.

I would love to say my family is closely knitted but unfortunately we arnt really so. History and issues that are so deeply rooted and it got in the way of kinship.

On friday evening, not knowing how serious it was, we make our way to my uncle’s place. My granny is definitely at her last leap of life and she had amazingly made it beyond what most would have expected.. She is a strong fighter despite her willingness to move on.

… However we didnt made it there, being minutes away from her last breath. When we reached, her body was still warm even as we lingered around while waiting for the doctor to come. I remembered standing at the door, frozen. She was different already, she wasnt my granny, my granny had left. But i was unsure, despite the obvious fact.

I dare not ask as i hold on desperately to the hope. as long as there is no answer, there is hope. It didnt lasted very long before we realize in shock she really…. had passed away.

The feeling is complicated. You lost her but she won in getting her freedom and what she had wanted for a long time.

At her last leap, she was really depressed, angry, sad and very very uncomfortable. Her organs are failing or had failed her one by one and it was a really sad process with all the in and out of hospital, her attempt to just die by rejecting medical help because it was all to painful to live.

Today is day 3 since her last breath, the weekend is gone and i woke up this morning with this song in my head and this lyrics on a loop – “我终于失去了你, 在拥挤的人群中”.

作詞:沈光遠/李宗盛 作曲:趙傳/李宗盛 編曲:涂惠源




我却忘了告诉你 你一直在我心中





and i end up sobbing at a corner later at night as the heartache grew and missing grew too strong to take it.


wickedly for good

2011 went past very fast, like all the years and here the song i feel and want to think about before i embrace the new year

For my 2011 and those whom had been there for and with me in any little or big ways

For I know I’m who I am today because I knew you and because I knew you I have been changed for good =)

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I’ve done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you…

Because I knew you…

Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good…



So why?

because i am getting older (by day)
and i like to remember or rather reminisce my young self…

reminds me of a record retention program at work whereby the auditor is. however now – myself

then why here and now?

because i waited too long for blogger to come out with password protected post..