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The voice of the scars


I thought this wont impact me, i thought this was about the pain of living separately, being 50% of two, not 100% of one.

I thought wrong

“… it is better to be right than to be loved, you are teaching me that I am coming for someone who is unlovable and wrong, that somehow i am wrong too..”

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That punch


I believe that punch delivered to my right cheek yesterday will no sooner or later be delivered to your gut and while i fall on the floor, you will fall to hell.

As much as i like to deliver that punch back to your sicking face right to your menacing eyes, i will leave it to the will of god to do what is right at the his time and i shall raise above your lowly status.

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For a better afternoon


So far, as of 11.19am of 18th April as I am typing this, I don’t quite like how my day had been.

At dawn, 5am, i had a panic attack and screamed in terror as my deepest fear and darkest moment gushing through the memory gate. A memory gate which i had fasten a lock on and couldn’t bear to even touch the rails.

It was no big a deal of what happened but the aftermath of the fear and terror as i sobbed last night in bed made me realize that all i did was buried the pain so deep that i thought i have made peace with it.

I had a backache for 3 days and sleeping is proven to be as painful as the fairy tale, “The Princess and the Pea”. I slept early last night and woke up around 5am for the loo. Instead of going to the toilet at kitchen as usual, i went to the nearest loo which is in my parent’s room so to minimize the pain of walking.

It was dim and dark, my brain was still sleeping and my heart is unguarded. I walked past my sleeping parents, did my business, step out of the toilet and screamed. All in the dark.

why? As i walked out of the toilet, i saw my dad now seated up right, staring at me (or so i feel). I was so startled and i screamed.. I dont know what really trigger me off, was it the assumption that it was a ghost and was it the dark memories.

Wait.. maybe.. okay.. I think it was both.

I thought i saw a ghost and horror slipped it and when i realize it was my dad, the horror had already started churned bad memories that came gushing through before i can stop it.

It was so bad and usually folks get startled all right, screamed and then get embarrassed right? Not me. I screamed, knees gave way and I started sobbing and shaking.

In a blur state of mind, i heard my mom startled, asking what happening, my dad mumbling that he was just waiting for me to finish as he need to use the toilet too. My mum came to me asking me to calm down but i just cant pull myself together as the past scenes in this room flashes in my mind on a replay mode.

I was shaking, sobbing and trying to breath as the attack of fear with strong memories come on so strongly on me. My mum got me a glass of warm water which i gratefully sipped and i somehow manage to get up and went to my room.

That was where is dawn to me that those fears will never be gone and how damaged i truly am. With a more alert mind, i managed to guard my brain and heart from the relentless attack of memories and force myself to shutdown.

Now there is this disturbing throbbing pain in my heart that i am pushing away.

As i woke up, i realize i was 20 mins late for my morning concall as my snooze didnt quite happen as planned and my backache is still on.

As i finished a concall, i read an email from a friend of the hotel she booked for our upcoming trip as she was in charge of that. The reviews arnt great and i was worried. I tried voicing it but nothing can be done since it was already booked and was recommended by a friend’s friend.

The thing that actually got to me is how this trip’s accommodation are all really not that great and when for the part 1 of the trip, as i recommended better places (which most agreed was better and more worth but unfortunately fully booked when enquired which brings us back to square one), I was being commented by that friend as a “communist who acts democratic”.

Bitterness filled me and I held my tongue back. Although i was offended, but I do wonder if i really done wrong and shouldn’t had not commented on anything even if i felt uncomfortable. Being a perfectionist sucks big time and if the trip sucks, i know inside my heart, I will be saying ” i told you so” which i really hope will not happen!

As that conversation close, i hear my sister talking about meeting her friend who she called her “大姐” (eldest sis) which is also how my siblings address me and i get really uncomfortable.

I learned about this a few months back and I was quite bothered and gotten quite disturbed about it. It’s a small matter in 3rd party eye and i tried to shrug it off but it clings to be like chewing gum which i also got me pondering what was the factor that upset me.

I am not jealous and i dont even know that girl but i was quite upset with how insensitive my sister is for i know she was the one who initiated to call her that. It just really weird so hear your sister calling another friend her elder sister who in actual fact is really you. Does it mean that I had failed in some way as a elder sister so she see someone else she prefer to it? I dont know but all i know is it stings my heart whenever i hear that.

I dont think most people not less to say my own sister will really ever get it, not to even think if she will ever understand how hurting it is. The most hurting part i guess will be the usual brushing it away with indication of me being a over dramatic bitch.

Just one morning so much inner struggles and little demons I had to face and i am not looking forward having deal with in my heart.

It’s not a great morning and may i be blessed enough to have a better rest of the day?

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prayer’s answer and answer’s meaning


I was feeling shitty and exhausted with the planning of an upcoming trip. It was a 12 hour date with half filled with research of websites and excel sheet…

On the way home, bad memories of the past Augusts flooded  and pensive dread and worries filled my heart… I remembered with heart sinking with negatives pulling it down like gravity.

The content of the call, the usual rounds of bastard actions and the spending that is killing. Unfortunately this is the the kind of usual that kills and pain us over and over again, making each time more painful than before. I reconfirm my brother’s conversation with my mother again and there is no surprise.

I couldn’t sleep at all..
tears came and go
memories, screaming, painful words, bastards actions fogged my mind again.

I keep tossing and turning over and over and over again.

I keep screaming to my mind to stop, my heart to stop. Everything to stop, everything.

I turn to my left again.. and i put my hands together to pray, hoping that saying it out to god will ease away the worries, the pain.. As I speak, my anger, my disgust, my raw pain surfaced and I prayed for terrible things. any terrible things as long as this will end.

then i remembered, god has his ways, his plans for me.. but why cant i feel nor see it.. why? Or are we in his way? are we blinded by denial even if god is trying to help? I pray again. with more faith in god than hate for him.

“amen” i said but my heart didnt feel any better.
“did he hear me?” i wondered

I tossed and turned again and wondered again..
Took my bible and hold it.. and tell god.. pls tell me what i need and want to know..

and I read this – Isaiah 55:8- 13

and i was blown.
He answered my guilt of the terrible things
He answered my wonder if he had heard my prayers
He renew my faith by confirming his ways are indeed higher than my way
He is showing me how he will not fail on me and how we will be freed eventually.
freed with peace.

There more.. I know.. So i go on and search for deeper meanings behind this.

Please… please do it.. activate your plans now.. show me.

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Forgive


My sister posted this today….

“…to forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover the prisoner was you.”

but… I cant because i been through long enough to know it comes with the taste of betrayal that lingers and kills me over and over again. For now I rather be the prisoner then to set free to get scars over and over again

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my prayer last night


Life is painful…

Last night I prayed.. again and again. When in fear but yet afraid to pray because i might resent it n feel more abandon again..

my heart been beating too fast in fear while my mind whirl around the past and future in tears.. the worst is not just facing this monster, but feeling like I have to face it alone.

so i pray again.. and i only ask for one thing.. the thing i been praying for.. took my bible out n ask god to tell me and let me know i am not alone, that “god… u hear me and is there for me”

it was past 3am by the time i read this page. I thought of falling asleep with the sound of church songs.. so i youtube “god be there for me” and the video appeared first was “god will make a way”.

finally at 4.30 am, blackness finally took over

After lunch, a friend from my previous department msn me.. somehow tears falls when i describe the pain. But i was then reminded.. That god had sent her to me to let me know again – i am not alone

Reached home and the bible verse from facebook today was

… say to those with fearful hearts, Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you

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That knot with thorns


Life for now, is painful still..

Standing at the cross road, trying with a knot with thorns. Thorns that can scarred us, robbed us of happiness and our childhood..

A knot that we wish to untie to release to breath but afraid it will lure a bigger monster.

praying frantically
but not heard…